i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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