i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He did a backflip because drugs
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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