I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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