Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize