the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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