Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize