GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
