Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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