Duck Duck Cougar?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This house was built for laser tag.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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