dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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