i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
