Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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