Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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