if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
