we're chasing vodka with high fives
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
