I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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