Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
