I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
