My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you had me at cake vodka
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
