You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
