who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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