you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
