so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
