When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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