when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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