I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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