you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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