if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
