My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
