I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
God, you're like boner-b-gone
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
