I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
