i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
