fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize