literally had 100 drinks last night.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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