it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize