Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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