John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
