OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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