Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh god it's open bar.
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