there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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