I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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