Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
