i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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