I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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