When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
