gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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