I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
