Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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