After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My penis needs a shock collar
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm too high and old for this...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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