No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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