You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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