I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
