I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
