you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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