Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
