Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
