my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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