I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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